Defective
by Phoenyxx
Summary: [One shot] The five soul candies were in jail, of course, with arguing and plotting involved. [Silliness. Profanity.]


**Defective **

**A/N:** Because the filler episode 133 was so hilariously wrong.

**WARNING****: Vulgarity/Profanity/Swearing/Slang are present in this story.**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach.

* * *

The cramped concrete cell was located at the end of the long hallway of flickering light bulbs. In fact, it was emitting a very dangerous atmosphere, amplified by the eerie sounds of a dripping faucet and creaking chains. An almost cliché amount of red 'blood' dripping from the walls - which in actuality was a rather bad paint job done earlier that day – seemed to ease the mind into believing that one was witnessing a terrible death scene. Dancing almost ominously along with the flickering lights, the shadows enveloped the inhabitants of that small cell, hiding them from the guard's view. 

The occupants in the other box rooms located along the hallway were silent, all unnerved by the strange conversations that flitted on and off in the lone cell down the hall…

A drawling voice speared through the silence. "This is _fuckin' boring_ being trapped with you lot. I'm breakin' out."

There was a rebuttal. "No…We're staying put otherwise we'll get into more trouble," stated another male almost calmly with the slightest fear colouring his words.

"Who put you in charge?" hissed the first man venomously.

"Ahh – That is-"

Everyone could not only see but _hear_ the satisfied smirk. "You might retain his image, Shorty, but I'm the one in charge - got that?!"

'Shorty' bristled, "Don't imply that Captain Hitsugaya is vertically challenged. That is considered defamation if you go a-around making such comments..." He trailed off weakly, almost cowering under the glare directed at him.

"I'm warning you, Shorty." Short plum hair fell in front of the man's angry eyes.

"Ehhhh…But Shorty's right. Let's just stay here…Better let Master come back and pick us all up…" interrupted another man with bright red hair who would actually look the most dangerous out of the gaggle of five…if it was not for the fact that he constantly licked his hands and paced around the floor on all fours.

A sharper voice crooned loudly. "I think we should all have a happy party with the other men while we wait, pyoooon!" giggled the only female of the group.

"Would you all just _shut the fuck up_ and follow my lead," roared 'Leader' – as that was the name the other four dubbed him with.

The lights in the hallway suddenly burned out for a moment, but it was the only moment needed for the bald, lean 'warrior'. "It's so dark!" yelped the most timid member of the gang.

"You bastard, Hairless; I'll kill you if you don't let go of my arm this instant!"

"But-but-but Leader," wailed 'Hairless'. "So scary and _dark_!"

…And then he unceremoniously started to cry.

The red-head winced at his bawling companion before shrugging lazily, "…Boo-chan, maybe you should comfort him."

Leader's frown of disgust morphed into a sinister smirk, "Indeed. Rape Shorty's virgin eyes!"

"Waaaaaai, you're giving me permission to have fuuuuuun?" squealed 'Boo-chan'.

"Oh-oh…" stuttered off Shorty as he gazed at the Matsumoto Rangiku-look-alike and the false image of Madarame Ikkaku crying. "Maybe…You shouldn't…?"

'Tats' – short for Tatoo-Man – frowned, "I didn't mean that kind of comfort anyway…"

Hairless sobbed noisily.

"Pft, whatever." Leader scoffed and leered at Boo-chan and Hairless, "It probably won't be that fun to watch a ditz and a spineless whelp screw each other senseless anyway."

Shorty flinched hearing the vulgar words and tried to change the subject, "How are we going to explain this to Her Excellency? We failed…"

"Fuck." Even Leader's face paled slightly as he considered the consequences.

Tats, resting against his side on the floor much like a cat would, commented idly, "Don't worry about it Short-stuff…Leader's gonna take care of that business."

"Shut up Tats," growled Leader. "Since you so kindly volunteered, you're going to tell her."

Boo-chan giggled, "Haaa, you're going to get in trouuuuble."

Tats shrugged nonchalantly, "Sure…Why not…?"

"But Tats, Her Excellency might order her second-in-command to experiment on you!" argued Shorty.

"Stop worrying 'bout it…" Tats smiled lazily and waved him off. "Everything will turn out fine in the end…"

There was a brief silence with a lot of glaring involved before someone squeaked noisily.

"W-W-We can always try our plan again…" offered Hairless, hiccupping.

"Well, well, finally stopped crying, you twit?" drawled the fake Yumichika with an eerily sinister smirk. Hairless offered no comeback as he was too frightened to speak.

Excited, Boo-chan clapped and bounced, twittering with a happy trill, "I want to smile at the camera again!"

"_No!_" exclaimed Leader vehemently. "You brainless bitch! You're not going to parade around with that-that _kissy_-face and attract attention again."

Shorty murmured quietly, "But you can't really blame her. It _does_ have a caption saying, 'Smile. You're on camera'…"

"Shut. UP!" Leader kneaded his forehead in aggravation. "Shit, I'm with fucking idiots here."

A tiny sardonic voice echoed from down the hallway, "And it took you that long to realize? Ha!"

Leader's face turned an interesting shade of puce and he roared at the other cellmates, "When I get out of here, I'm going to shove a broom up your-!"

An officer commanded hoarsely, "All of you. Quiet down in there!"

Grumbling, Leader obliged after waving his middle finger in the general vicinity of the officer. He then settled down and smacked his hand impressively against the floor of the cell, "We_ are_ going to go back into that fucking candy store and rob them blind."

"So I can-?"

"How many times do I have to say NO 'til it gets through your thick head? You aren't going to fucking smile at the fucking cheap camera!" snorted Leader with aggravation. "That's how we got arrested in the first place."

Boo-chan wilted and joined Hairless in his private corner of the cramped cell.

"Hmmm…" The Renji-look-alike stretched and propped his head up on an elbow. "So much work…" His comment was ignored.

"We need four bags for Her Excellency Kusajishi." Leader traced a crude, invisible map onto the floor. "We go in; we go out. It's such a simple plan that even you shitheads can follow."

"Four bags of candy?" whimpered Shorty. "I thought it was only three…?"

"Four," sneered Leader. "Don't make me repeat myself."

"R-Right. Four."

Tats yawned, "...We gotta escape here first but we really shouldn't…When my Master comes back and finds us missing, he's going to have a fit."

"If we don't break out, you dimwitted lazy ass, we won't get the fucking candy."

"Do I really want to ask?" questioned a new voice wryly.

Everyone turned towards the barred window where the voice came from and saw a mess of familiar orange hair.

"Oh, just you," muttered Tats.

Kurosaki Ichigo, amused, called out to the shinigami behind him, "Oi, they're all in there." He jumped back down and disappeared from view.

The loud voices below drifted into the cell easily and the five soul candies perked up to eavesdrop…

---

"Finally," sighed Yumichika.

"About time we found our temporary bodies," remarked Renji as he gazed up towards the jail cell window.

Ikkaku, leaning against the police station wall, asked, "Why the fuck are they in jail anyway?"

Ichigo chuckled, "I think it was because they instigated a candy heist."

There was an infuriated grunt. Everyone looked at the shortest shinigami with curiosity.

"This is Captain Hitsugaya Toushirou of the Tenth Division. Connect me to Captain Kuro – No I will not wait – You – Your Captain is not available; of course he isn't – My entire task force was given defective soul candy! I want this rectified_ immediately_." Hitsugaya flipped the phone shut forcefully and cursed.

Matsumoto grinned, "Captain…"

"_What?_" growled the white-haired captain.

"Sir, perhaps we should enter the building and spring them out," suggested Ikkaku as he tapped the hilt of his sword meaningfully.

Yumichika nodded, "Yes, I agree. It's much more productive than standing out here."

Renji then added his two cents. "If we don't, they might just try and break out in a conspicuous way."

Matsumoto shrugged and continued, "And then we'll have a bigger problem in our hands."

Everyone looked at Hitsugaya hopefully. Their short leader could only close his eyes and sigh in exasperation, "Might as well. We can round them up and then send them back to Soul Society."

---

The five soul candies trapped in the jail cell paled.

Her Excellency Kusajishi will not be pleased if they returned to Soul Society without her candy.

Their leader cursed and stomped angrily before pointing an accusatory finger towards the red-head. "Fuck. Tats, you're responsible for explaining to Her Excellency how whiny, bratty, snot-nosed, mortal children sabotaged our plan to steal the candy."

"Whatever..." mumbled Tats.

Hairless inched towards Tats and rested a reassuring hand on his shoulder, saying solemnly, "You're one brave soul candy, Tats."

Shorty nodded fervently. Boo-chan wiped away an invisible tear and blew him a good-bye kiss. Leader rolled his eyes and wished for mass homicide.

Tats just shrugged and waited for his Master to come fetch them, all the while thinking how his colleagues were way too melodramatic.

* * *

End 

Oh my gosh. I was _so_ tempted to make them sit in a happy little circle and discuss super-evil plans (but due to their incompetence, their plans aren't really evil at all).

Spyrit


End file.
